Summary
A queen asks Conan to help her daughter princess retrieve a ceremonial horn from a dungeon so they resurrect a god named Dagoth.
My Thoughts
By Crom! I’ve done it! I’ve found the best Conan movie out there! ‘Wait,’ you say, ‘this? This film received only very middling reviews at best.’ And if you were to say that, I’d tell you that you were absolutely right. This is not a great film, but nor are the other films in the Conan series. This is the most competent movie in the series so far as an interesting storyline, the action, and overall production design of the film. I was actually dreading watching this movie, so much so that I put it off for a few days in a row. I watched the Conan movies in a strange order- just prior to this I had watched “Red Sonja”, and that movie was so poorly put together that it had broken my spirit for sword and sorcery films. I hate to say it, but I was tired of Hyboria, and I wanted a few years between “Red Sonja” and my next quest with the barbarian. However, with only this film left in the series, I knew that there was no point in waiting, and I plunged on ahead, worried that I’d want to lobotomize myself by the time the credits rolled. I had seen “Conan the Destroyer” ages ago, probably back in high school, and remembered being rather bored by it, but upon return, having watched all of the Conan movies within the past two weeks, I can definitively say that this is the best of the bunch.
"It's D&D! Fighting with the legends of yore!"
Well, I think I’ve made this analogy in every Conan review I’ve done, but I’m a nerd, what can you do? This movie, along with pretty much every sword and sorcery film every made, is pretty much just a D&D campaign put to screen, and if you’re a fantasy geek, that’s all right; that’s all you need sometimes. For me, this outing with Conan was my favorite because it totally felt just like a classic D&D storyline, brought to life by some of the hokiest acting in the world (but that gives it so much charm, at least in this movie). In this film in particular, we have almost every type of character class: the barbarian, the thief, the magician, the Amazon warrior, and the mark they’re escorting (I suppose she’s got some powers). Even some of the dungeons have puzzles that need to be worked out, and ‘bosses’ that Conan has to figure out how to beat. The story feels like a schlocky $5 fantasy paperback brought to life, and it’s absolutely wonderful for fantasy addicts. But while it may feel schlocky, at least it has a destination from the very beginning. “Conan the Barbarian” meanders aimlessly for the first forty minutes of the movie; this one jumps right into the action, tells us what’s going on, and sends us on our quest.
Though the story may be a touch pulpy for non fantasy fans, at least they can appreciate the production design. The sets and costumes and weaponry are all among the best I’ve seen in a Conan movie. The ice palace with the wizard who guards the gem looked pretty decent, and it’s always great to see such elaborate sets built for fantasy films like this. The mirror puzzle that Conan has to work out was also rather interesting, and it made for some great visuals. Some of the other cave tunnels they work their way through look pretty convincing as well. While Conan himself is never seen with a shirt on, the other characters in the film have interesting costumes and outfits. Some of the visual effects are a touch dated, but honestly I think that adds to the charm of the film (particularly the smoke bird thing the wizard sends after Princess Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo, “Point of No Return”)). Even the demons and creatures Conan fights, though they do look cheesy, look better than the demon at the end of “Kull the Conqueror”. When they finally fight Dagoth at the end, the fact that they got Andre the Giant (“The Princess Bride”) to dress up in that big rubber suit was pretty impressive. It’s crazy to see Arnold at the peak of his bodybuilding career stand beside this giant creature, and have that creature still tower over him.
Another thing I liked about this film is that though the film only received a PG rating, they really didn’t cut back too much on the violence. This is, after all, a Conan movie; he’s a barbarian, meant to do barbaric things. There are plenty of fight scenes in this film, and a lot of them have splashes of blood, limbs being hacked off, demons getting stabbed, or smashed… In fact the only thing they really toned back from the first one was the sex. The first movie had probably three or four different sex scenes, and all of them felt forced and unnecessary.
Verdict
None of the Conan movies are great films, but they’re perfectly fine as they are. They’re movies that a small group of people will always gravitate towards, no matter how schlocky they really are. I enjoy movies like this. I know they aren’t great additions to cinema, but they’re some of the more entertaining sword and sorcery films out there. Disagree with me all you want; I’m declaring this film the best Conan movie currently in existence.
Do you like the schlocky sword and sorcery worlds of Robert E Howard? Then check out more films like this in our An Age Undreamed Of series.
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