Summary
Conan the Barbarian seeks vengeance on the warlord that killed his father, while the warlord tries to accumulate enough power to resurrect the dead.
My Thoughts
I love fantasy films, and I love sword and sorcery films; even bad ones. This movie is pretty darn terrible, but it’s so ridiculous in its premise, so gloriously gory in its violence, and so horribly acted, that I can’t help but really enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong; this movie is awful. There’s not much to set it apart from a straight-to-DVD film other than some of the more polished visual effects. The storyline is something a first time D&D dungeon master could’ve thrown together in an afternoon. The writing is so juvenile and cheesy that it feels like someone read Eragon by Christopher Paolini once and mistook it for the epitome of all things fantasy. The direction is aimless, and the blocking, sometimes confusing. The acting is so overdone, and sometimes incredibly cringe-worthy. It’s a film that does almost nothing right, and yet, I still find myself sort of enjoying it. Why? Because it doesn’t care what you think- it’s loud, it’s brutal, it’s sort of stupid, but it’s still entertaining as all get out.
Welcome to Cimmeria
(SOME SPOILERS IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH)
After the murder of Corin (Ron Pearlman, "Hellboy”), the father of the barbarian, Conan (Jason Momoa, forthcoming “Aquaman”), Conan embarks on a quest to find the murderer Khalar Zym (Steven Lang, “Avatar”). Meanwhile, Khalar Zym and his daughter Marique (Rose McGowan, “Planet Terror”) are in search of a mask, which, when given the blood of Tamara Amlia Jorvi-Karashan, a pureblood (Rachel Nichols, “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”), gives the wearer the power to bring back the dead. Conan embarks on his quest for vengeance, letting nothing stand in his way.
(SPOILERS END)
The best part about this movie is the production design. There are lots of real sets with a decent amount of money put into them. The opening of this movie is set in Conan’s childhood village, and the buildings in this village are all practical- that makes it even more impressive when the village is raised. Costumes and character designs all look cool, too. This is a sword and sorcery film; it’s not about making things look ridiculously believable, its about creating a world that feels fantastical, and this movie succeeds in doing that (for the most part… sometimes). Beyond Conan’s village there are sets of an ancient monastery with shakey scaffolding around its sides, giant caves with meandering crevices, eerie sacrificial chambers, and a prison containing a beast that looks remarkably similar to the watcher in the water. There are plenty of great looking costumes with little eccentricities and flairs, and many of the weapons are rather unique as well.
The action is another thing that this movie excels at for the most part. There are ribbons of red that trail behind Conan’s sword as he rips through bodies like a hot knife through butter, and it’s GLORIOUS. This is a movie that actually got me hyped up for the next action scenes to come. That’s not to say that all the scenes are executed well; a few scenes are really poorly shot, and it’s darn near impossible to tell what’s going on. But, there are other scenes that will certainly get your blood pumping.
The story is fine. There is nothing wrong with this story, it’s just incredibly basic. Conan’s father is killed; Conan goes to kill the man that killed him. The biggest issue with the story is that it takes almost a half an hour to go from young Conan to grown Conan. The pacing at the start really drags this movie down, even though there are two battle sequences with young Conan. Though Khalar Zym has a great big evil plan, Conan doesn’t care about that at all. He’s set on revenge and that’s his only reason for going on this quest. Everything else that happens in this movie- his run in with the thief and the prophesized one- doesn’t really matter. Jason Momoa isn’t the greatest actor in the world, and he completely fails to convince me he has any interest in the prophesized one or anything to do with Khalar Zym’s plan. He wanted Zym dead. Everything else was just circumstantial. I know I said this above, but the story feels like a D&D campaign. The characters go from one location to another, stopping every couple of minutes for another battle scene. The plot itself is almost meaningless, except to drive you to the next bloody conflict.
Now we get into the rough territory. The acting is pretty rough in this movie. Jason Momoa is pretty stiff, unless he’s shouting some incredibly cheesy dialogue. Stephen Lang overacts, as he always does. Rachel Nichols was fine, I guess. The worst, by far, was Rose McGowan. She overacted far worse than the others, and her character is supposed to be a sort of witch woman, so she has plenty of moments where she wriggles her hands about in a magicky way. Almost every time she was onscreen I felt an urge to leave the room so I wouldn’t have to cringe at her every line.
Verdict
Okay, look… Conan is not a great movie, but neither were the originals, “Conan the Barbarian” or “Conan the Destroyer”. This is a series that lives in a schlocky, second-rate sword and sorcery world. It may have had some class when Robert E Howard was still writing it, but today, the world of Cimmeria has become a world of cheesy yet gory action and magic. It’s not great, but it’s what you get when you want Conan. A lot of people will see this movie and forget about it by the next morning, and that’s fine. This isn’t a movie that stimulates your brain, it’s a movie meant for people who love fantasy (I.E. me), and aren’t at all satisfied with the Sci Fi channel movies. When I sat down to watch this movie to review it, it was probably the fourth time I've seen it. Why? Because we don't get great fantasy movies often; we get stupid stuff like this. If I want to see a fantastical world brought to life on screen, then most of the time I've got to settle for B-movie schlock. This isn’t a good movie, and I know that full well, but for the right audience, like myself, it will certainly entertain.
Do you like the schlocky sword and sorcery worlds of Robert E Howard? Then check out more films like this in our An Age Undreamed Of series.
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